


T¹h²e³ D⁴e⁵a⁶n⁷o⁸m⁹e¹⁰t¹¹e¹²r

by Cerdic519



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol, Cowboy Hats, Feathers & Featherplay, Fluff, Gay Sex, Helicopters, Humor, M/M, Men of Letters Bunker, Nipples, Panties, Pregnancy, Rutting, Smut, Trapped, Traumatized Sam Winchester, Trenchcoats, Vegetables, ropes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-25
Updated: 2018-09-17
Packaged: 2019-07-02 08:20:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 3,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15792678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cerdic519/pseuds/Cerdic519
Summary: Dean and Cas finally get it on – and thanks to Gabriel, Sam has something far too close to a ringside seat! How can things possibly get any worse?Er.....





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [majesticduxk](https://archiveofourown.org/users/majesticduxk/gifts), [lyster99](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lyster99/gifts), [MelodyofWings](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelodyofWings/gifts), [bookworm4ever81](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookworm4ever81/gifts).



> My 500th fic! Who needs a life?

Sam Winchester was smart. Seriously, we're talking genius levels of smartitudity. But even the smartest people in the world have the occasional 'blonde moment', and as he watched Castiel Angel of the Lord dragging his obviously very willing brother away to his room for what was probably going to be a bit more than just a quiet chat, he muttered under his breath something that was perhaps maybe possibly just the smallest tad unwise:

“What I need is some way of knowing when it's safe to go in after those knuckleheads!”

“Okay, Sammikins!”

It was fortunate he'd just got the shopping down onto the counter, because he'd otherwise have likely dropped the whole lot. Spinning round as quickly as he could he saw....

“Gabriel!”

The archangel grinned and pulled a lollipop out of thin air.

“Your wish is my command”, he grinned. “You wanna know when Cassie's rut is over, right?”

Sam blinked several times.

“His what?” he asked.

“Angel rut”, Gabriel said calmly, before sucking pleasurably on his sweet. “Mmm, raspberry and rhubarb. You remember we've a bit of a shortage just now? Well, dear old Daddikins put a trigger device in the younger angels so they'd start making babies if needed. Cassie has, as folks say these days, been triggered!”

Sam stared at him in astonishment.

“You mean that scruffy angel's gonna have babies?” he asked incredulously. “Er, bit of an equipment problem there, Gabe.”

The archangel snorted in laughter.

“'Course not!” he said scornfully.

Sam sighed in relief.

“Mr. Worst Plaid Shirt of 2018 is the one who's gonna be popping out little angel eggs”, Gabriel grinned. “And don't worry; I've soundproofed the mating area so you won't hear your brother being deflowered. The Deanometer over there will tell you when it's safe to go in.”

Sam looked across to the wall where a half-circle had appeared divided into about a dozen different colored sections, above which was indeed the word 'DEANOMETER'. As he watched the first section lit up with a brown light and the words 'TWELVE FREAKIN' INCHES??'. Sam winced.

“Gabriel!”

He was speaking to an empty room. Dammit!


	2. Chapter 2

Just over an hour later Sam was sat reading a book when he heard something from the kitchen. He thought at first he was imagining it, but it was definitely...

“The _Jeopardy_ music?” he groaned. “Dammit Gabriel!”

He rose to his feet and went out just in time to catch the end. At the final note the brown section went dark and the one next to it lit up in shocking pink. The writing on this one was 'FUCKED BY SOMEONE WEARING JUST A TRENCHCOAT!'

Sam did not cry but it was close.


	3. Chapter 3

It was difficult to read while his brother was..... well, with that happening in the same building even if he couldn't hear it. All that silence just allowed Sam's overly fertile imagination to think.... ugh! And as if thinking about it made it happen, the dreadful jingle chimed out once more. Sam got up and went into the kitchen.

_Dum, dum-dum-dum dum, dum, dum!_

The virulent pink light clearly showed the message 'HARDER, HARDER, HARDER!!'.

Sam wondered if he should go out and get some more bourbon.


	4. Chapter 4

Since the kitchen was slightly nearer where.... well, where _something_ was happening, Sam decided to prepare some sandwiches and make his escape quickly. Unfortunately not quickly enough; he was still washing the lettuce leaves when the theme from a show he could never be able to watch again rang out. He glanced almost fearfully across the room.

The fourth sector was lit with a dark purple light, the wording almost virulent as it spelled out 'OMIGOD NOT THE NIPPL.... HELLYEAHBABY!!!' 

Sam grabbed the bourbon. And the whisky. Sod the water!


	5. Chapter 5

A nice long trip down to the town should have sorted things – except some bastard archangel had put wards round the place to keep him in! If he survived this Sam was gonna summon the snarky bastard and.... well, he would think of something.

Despite the silence the younger Winchester had had his meal about as far from his brother's bedroom as was physically possible. Unfortunately his innate tidiness made him wash up his plate afterwards and he was almost done when.....

_Dum-dum-dum dumma dum-dum-dum....._

He was strongly tempted not to look, but he had to know. He waited for the final 'dum', then turned round to see a soft lilac light and the message:

'COLONEL CAS JUST MADE FIVE-STAR GENERAL!'.

Damn horny angel had better pay for all the therapy Sam was gonna need to after this!


	6. Chapter 6

If he couldn't leave the Bunker, then at least he could put in some distance between himself and.... that. So Sam headed to the garage, which was about as far as he could get from.... that.

He was washing one of the cars there (obviously not the Impala) when the music sounded, loud and clear. He uttered an un-Sam-like word then looked up incredulously, and the damn Deanometer was displayed on the wall right there in front of him. 

The music ended and the next section lit up dark blue. Sam closed his eyes a fraction of a second too late to avoid 'HOLY COW, YOU CAN'T BE THAT FLEXIBLE?'' 

Seriously, this was his life?


	7. Chapter 7

For some reason Gabriel's runes made things worse not better, as the serene calm of the Bunker only allowed Sam's fertile imagination to run wild. He remembered laughing when, not after the two idjits had first met, he had read how sexually demanding an angel could get during a rut and had tried to apply that to the trench-coated scruff. And now far from laughing, he was close to crying.

So in all probability was his brother, his brain unhelpfully pointed out. He told it to shut the fuck up!

The music sounded again. Sam sighed and trudged dutifully off to the kitchen, where the next section was lit up with a light-blue background and the words 'AWW, I REALLY LIKED THOSE PANTIES!'. 

Bloody Gabriel had even taken the sleeping tablets!


	8. Chapter 8

Five to go, Sam thought to himself. I can do this. I survived Lucifer, so I can survive this. I......

He jumped as he was washing his hands at the basin as the world's most horrendous quiz show jingle rang out and this time is seemed for some reason to have acquired a Western sound. Sam could not stop himself from glancing in the bathroom mirror and seeing the reflection on the wall behind in luminescent green that read:

'YIPPIE-KIE-I-YAY, RIDE ME COWBOY!!!'

Perhaps he could drink shampoo until he was sick? Because that bastard archangel had gone and nicked all the alcohol while he'd been in the garage!


	9. Chapter 9

Sam decided that maybe a full meal might help. And he was beginning to think that that bastard archangel had known full well what effect complete silence would have on Sam, allowing his fertile brain to imagine the worst.

He had barely opened the refrigerator when the Deanometer rang out again. He shuddered, waited for the music to end then looked nervously across at the light-green section.

'YOU SURE THAT'S THE HELICOPTER METHOD?'

Sam's brilliant brain very cruelly provided the accompanying (and very graphic) image a fraction of a second before he could stop it. He just cried.


	10. Chapter 10

Nearly there, Sam thought as he plated up his food. A full fry-up, something Dean was better at than him but that he could do at a pinch. With luck he could be done at the same time as.... well, his brother and the sex-mad angel were done.

_Dum-dum-dum dumma dum-dum-dum....._

Sam took a deep breath, waited for the horrendous music to end and squinted at the yellow sector, still not close enough to the end of the damn torture device. 

'YOU CAN'T PUT YOUR FEATHERS...... OOOOAAAAAIIIIEEEEE!!!!'

“You're dead, Gabriel!” Sam muttered.


	11. Chapter 11

Sam was still washing up when the penultimate section glowed amber as the hated music rang out. He took a deep breath and prepared himself, then on the last note turned to see....

'I'M NEVER HAVING SEX AGAIN!!!'

“Yeah right!” Sam muttered. “And tomorrow you'll be giving up pie!”


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Surprise!

Sam was more relieved than he would admit when he went to the kitchen and found it occupied, although he was a bit anxious that it was plus only one scruffy (and notably smirking) angel, and not one physically exhausted big brother.

“Dean is all right?” he asked anxiously.

“Your brother is, as they say, totally fucked!” Castiel said pleasantly.

Somehow it sounded wrong to hear the angel swear, even if these past few hours – there had probably been some strong language among other things.

“Where is Dean?” Sam asked.

He would always remember the terrible reply to that question.

“Resting before Stage Two.”

Sam's world suddenly fell away. What terrible crime had he committed in a previous life to deserve this?

“Stage Two?” he asked tremulously.

As if his life was not a complete wreck at that precise moment, the terrible music started up for a twelfth time. Sam uttered a random prayer to any deity that may have happened to be listening and, when it stopped, opened his eyes and looked across at the Deanometer.

Two things. First and most terrifying of all, it had gone from a half-circle to a full one. And second, the final upper section suddenly glowed red with, coincidentally, the same words that could be heard from a nearby room:

'YOU GOT ME ███████ ███████ ███████ PREGNANT?!'

Er, maybe not _exactly_ the same.......

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Once Sam had stopped crying and crawled out from under the table, Castiel had explained to him (in far too reasonable and level a tone in Sam's humble opinion) that yes, the horny angel had gotten Dean Winchester pregnant (!!), no, Sam was not allowed to go in and make fun of his brother unless he actually wanted his atoms shredded across time and space, and yes, they would be in there for the next twelve days until Dean had given birth.

Sam was not sure which of those two things freaked him out more; Dean giving birth or another twelve days of this hell. Probably a tie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The author is not the least bit sorry.


	13. Chapter 13

Sam was cleaning the dining-room the next day when he heard the terrible music for a thirteenth time. He reminded himself that the idjits would have to tone things down now that Dean was expecting - _Dean was expecting!_ \- and walked off the kitchen trembling only slightly. His arrival there was well timed to the final note and the second brown section lit up with:

'WHOA, SEXY LIBRARIAN FANTASY WITH JUST THE WAISTCOAT!!'

Sam cried. Another perfectly good hypothesis gone west!


	14. Chapter 14

This was even worse than the time before as Sam had a whole day between 'dings'. He wondered if it would almost have been better to hear the two of them anyway, then wondered if he had indeed lost his remaining grip on reality.

He was making himself some sandwiches when the music started up again. Thinking that that was one show he would never watch in his entire life, he waited until the end then turned to see the lit section in shocking pink.

'TOLD YOU ALL THAT ROPE WOULD COME IN USEFUL!'

Ew! So that was why he had had to replace the ropes in the Impala the other day!


	15. Chapter 15

As someone of a scientific mind Sam really should have worked this one out, but today brought a rare light moment when Castiel's friend Inias dropped by.

“Castiel said that you liked salad but he knew you would not want to leave your brother at this time”, he said as he deposited several bags of produce on the table. “And Father is furious with Gabriel which I suppose you will find amusing.”

“Why is he?” Sam asked. Inias fixed him with a look.

“Where do think all that sound from their room is ending up?” he said. “Castiel arranged for it to be transmitted direct to Gabriel's room in Heaven! Our brother is _loud!_ ”

Sam chuckled.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

He wasn't chuckling later when, while chewing on a celery stick, the light pink section of the Deanometer lit up and he read the words:

'YOU CAN'T DO THAT WITH A CELERY STI..... OH LORD!!'

Sam stared at his food in horror then dropped it as if he had been burned. That damn horny angel could not have known..... could he?


	16. Chapter 16

Sam was reading in the library when the music rang out the next day. Annoyingly the times varied slightly each day so he could not be prepared for the worst, much as he expected it. He put his book down and reached the kitchen shortly after the last note to see a strong violet light and the words:

'STILL AS HOT AS WHEN WE DID IT IN THAT CHANGING-ROOM IN TULSA.'

Sam stared in horror. Ew, he'd been standing right outside that changing-room, and his brother and that damn horny angel had been... ew!


	17. Chapter 17

Sam worried about loads of things as a matter of course, and his brother being pregnant let alone trapped in a room with an angel working through several millennia of sexual frustration – the issues here would need a college full of psychotherapists! 

Oddly enough one thing was destined to come up today, namely Dean's constant low opinion of himself as Sam saw when he heard the music – bizarrely not the usual and horrendous theme music but the Drunken Sailor tune - and saw the soft lilac light with the words:

'YOU CAN'T CONVINCE ME I'M NOT GETTING FA..... HOORAY AND UP HE RISES ER-LIE IN THE MORNING!!'

Maybe a little self doubt might not be a bad thing after all?


	18. Chapter 18

Sam was on the phone to Donna telling her all about his woes - and getting precious little in the way of sympathy he might add - when the music (back to normal) rang out. He took a deep breath and marched through to the kitchen.

“Gonna tell me what it says?” she asked.

He looked at the dark blue section and the words 'YOU SURE ORGASMS EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR ARE GOOD FOR THE KIDS?'

So he told her. Who knew you could hear swearing after the phone had been put down?


	19. Chapter 19

Sam guessed that Dean was going through some cravings as part of his pregnancy, as a large apple-pie and a canister of whipped cream had vanished from the refrigerator. Also, rather oddly, a tin of custard that Sam had left out for himself later. But he supposed, pregnancy could cause some weird tastes.

Just how weird he found later when the music sounded and he trotted obediently in to see the light blue sector lit with the words:

'SO THAT WAS WHY YOU WANTED THE WHIPPED CREAM!!'

Sam tried valiantly but he was unable to stop his mind providing a very graphic image of his naked brother covered in... ew!


	20. Chapter 20

Over halfway round, Sam thought to himself. Unless there is a third run-through... no, there can't be. Because if he so much as suggests it I will end that angel! Somehow!

He was right across the bunker when the music rang out, clearly audible in the games room. Gabriel must have done something to trigger it distance-wise because the Deanometer appeared on the wall opposite him, the music playing until the dark green light came on with the words:

'KIDS ARE GONNA BE SO TRAUMATIZED WHEN WE TELL THEM HOW WE PLAYED HORSEY!'

Sam wondered how one went about suing one's own brother.


	21. Chapter 21

Four to go, Sam told himself, then he would be an uncle. And Dean would be practising sexual abstinence for the next fifty years. 

And pigs would fly.

He was back in the kitchen when the music sounded and he wished fervently for some alcohol to dull the agony of all this. He had asked Castiel about the possibility but the angel had said he needed him sober in case of emergency. Sam took a breath and looked at the lime-green section and the words:

'THAT WAS AS GOOD AS THAT ORGASM YOU GAVE ME WHEN SAM WAS USING THE RESTROOM IN BILLINGS.'

So _that_ was why his brother had looked so damn smug back in Montana! And Sam's salad had been right there...... ew ew ew ew ew!


	22. Chapter 22

Nothing could surprise Sam any more, he told himself as he sat down to a healthy meal without any big brothers rolling their eyes at him. Although hopefully Dean would be too busy chasing after his kids – which reminded Sam, Castiel had not said how many eggs Dean would be laying.

There was so much wrong with that last sentence that Sam just tried not to think about it. At least he had a distraction with the Most Hated Theme Tune In The Universe™, and he looked up curiously at the now lit yellow sector:

'BUT IF THEY'RE NOT COMING OUT THE BACK WAY THEN.... OMIGOD NOT LITTLE DEAN?!'

Once again Sam's disobliging brain provided him with the graphic mental image before he could stop it. He just cried.


	23. Chapter 23

Somewhere not a million miles away from here his brother was giving birth to.... well, something through his..... ew! The silence was even worse knowing that, and Sam almost ran to the Deanometer when the music played, waiting impatiently for it to end and for the orange sector to light up. Which it did with:

'IF YOU ******* TELL ME TO ******* PUSH ONE MORE ******* TIME, I'LL ******* CHAR-GRILL YOUR ******* WINGS!'

That was the moment Sam noticed an extra device, a sort of mini-counter at the bottom of the Deanometer. As he watched it suddenly lit up with '1'. Sam grinned. He was an uncle!

Then '2'. 

'3'. 

'4'.

'5'. 

'6', after which there was a definite ding which creepily sounded just like their microwave. Although perhaps appropriate as his brother was surely done?

_Please God!_


	24. Chapter 24

Sam was still getting dressed the next morning when the music rang out and he hurried to the kitchen in his dressing-gown. The final red section was lit up, and never were two words more gratefully received by mortal man:

'ALL CLEAR'.

There was the sound of the door to the idjits' room opening down the corridor and Sam walked over to it but hesitated.

“Come in, Sam”, came Castiel's growly voice. “Just be careful.”

Sam edged slowly into the room to see his brother and his brother's angel both in bed, relatively decent the saints be praised. And across the room from them and him was a large nest looking just like an oversized bird's nest over two feet across, in which were a number of eggs. Sam could only see the three on the top, two of which were green-blue and one black.

“I won't go any nearer”, he promised. “How are you feeling, Dean?”

His brother glared at him.

“I just pushed out six objects the size of a football through my favorite body part”, he snipped. “How do you think I'm feeling, Sammy boy? Damn sore!”

Sam winced.

“Not to worry”, Castiel said looking adorably at his hunter. “My beloved mate will have plenty of time to rest while we are waiting for them to hatch into nestlings. That will take at least two weeks.”

“Thank Chuck!” Dean sighed. “Then it's eighteen years of running after them before they go on Oprah and blame every damn thing on us.”

“Ah.” 

The Winchesters both looked at the angel.

“'Ah'?” Dean said testily. “What do you mean, 'ah'?”

“Angel-human nestlings grow slightly faster than normal humans”, Castiel said. “They will reach adulthood in about twelve months.”

Dean looked horrified. Dean _was_ horrified.

“Growing up in twelve months?” he managed.

“But look on the bright side”, Castiel said cheerily. “Once they are grown we can have another clutch. Angels who mate usually have 13.8974 clutches on average. Approximately.”

Sam had never seen his brother cry before, especially over the promise of more sex.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Dean would later† find out that Castiel may have misled him somewhat over the number of clutches. The actual figure is 6.2731. Approximately.

THE (SORE) END

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> † After their seventeenth clutch. And whilst expecting their eighteenth.


End file.
